I Promise My Honeymoon Recaps Will Not Bore You

I love wedding recaps. Not so much honeymoon recaps. Why? Because this is what they sound like: "Hey, look at us! We're in love and on the best vacation of our lives! We're tan and happy and getting massaged and pampered! Here's another kissy-face pic of us in paradise! Wish you were here! But you're not! Neeeener neeener poo poo!"

Faaaaaart.

Don't get me wrong. I am balls happy for the couple that has a fantastic honeymoon. And I promise I don't roll my eyes at their blissfully happy honeymoon posts.  I just avoid them all togther usually. Nothing personal.  Just not ma'bag.

I, on the other hand, did not have a fantastic honeymoon. So my recap posts will sound more like this: "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOT HELL HOLE!" and "WHY, GAWD? WHYYYYYYYYYY?!?!"

Yeah. That's no exaggeration. It was that bad. Nothing bad went down between the husband and I, don't worry. It was the circumstances we were in that blew donkey balls and licked major monkey taint.

So look forward to that shit.  In the meantime, here's a teaser shot from our Shittymoon (that's what I'm referring to it as from here on out, BTW).

WORST. AIRLINE. EVER. Truly. It does not get worse than this, guys. Mexicana runs a shitshow of an airline and I can't wait to tell you aaaaaall about their incompetance. I am fuming just thinking about the diservice they did to us and to 70 other passengers who paid good money to fly with them.  They are liars. And they cheated us. And they are going to feel my fucking wrath.

Hell Hath Frozen Over in Weddingbee Land

Me. MISS CRACK PIPE. Featured on Weddingbee's classifieds. And they actually referred to me as "Miss Crack Pipe"! It can't get any more HIGH-larious than this, folks. Perhaps this is their way of getting me to shut up... but I will choose to look at it as a peace offering. So my thanks to Weddingbee for helping a fellow bride sell her unwanted wedding shit. I appreciate it immensely!

Love,
Miss Crack Pipe

I am not getting pregnant. Stop asking.

GoodChrist.  When will people stop asking me about this?  We've been married only a month for fuck's sake. Sure I fully expected to get the "so when are ya thinking of starting a family" questions post-wedding, but damn, I didn't expect there to be this many.  And I'm not just talking about solely getting asked about it -- I'm talking about the assumptions people have made about my body birthing a child just because I am a woman and am now married.

For example, I had to get a spinal tap recently, and the first thing the doc told me, as he was prepping my back to get all needled up, was "This is what an epidural is going to feel like when you give birth."

YEAH. He said, "When you give birth." Not "if" or even "someday." WHEN.

Look. I get it. He's just being a doctor. And doctors say that shit.  But just because my body is capable of birthing children, doesn't mean I will choose to employ said capability. I am a person. Not a fuckin baby factory.  Do people make assumptions about men impregnating women? They've got the tools to make it possible after all... so we should be making the same assumptions about men and having children too, right? I mean, based on people's assumption about women inevitably becoming pregnant, it makes sense to me that men would get asked about the virility of their semen.  But that doesn't really happen. Or does it? Men, feel free to weigh in here.

Oh, and then this happened at the OBGYN recently (TMI? I don't care).

Man Doctor: Do you plan on becoming pregnant in the next 6 months to a year?
Me: No.
Man Doctor: Weeeell... just in case you change your mind, we need to make sure we get you back in here right away to start you on pre-natal vitamins--"
Me: Ummmmm don't think we'll be crossing that bridge, Doc. But thanks for your concern.
Man Doctor: Ok. But prenatal vitamins are very important. Just remember that.
Me: Yeah. Thanks. Now get your hands off my boobs. You've been checking them for lumps a tad longer than necessary there, Ace.

Ok... I didn't say that last bit, but I sure as shit was thinking it.

Oh, and the men I encounter daily think their pregnancy jokes are hilarious and therefore won't stop.  Shooooot meeeeee.

This happening to any of you married ladies too?

Back to life, back to re-al-i-ty

There are a gajillion things I have put off doing til after the wedding, because duh, planning a wedding kind of consumes all of your free time.  I thought I would have postpartum depression after the wedding, but honestly, I really don't.  I am more excited than ever for this new chapter in our lives to begin.  And I can't tell you enough how excited I am to not come home after a long day of work and have to craft bouquets. So.Fucking.Excited.  I actually drove past a craft store the other day and felt relief that I didn't have to make a stop for supplies.  Instead I went straight home, cracked a bottle 'o wine and watched some mindless TV.  It was lovely.  So here's what else I am looking forward to now that the wedding is over and done with:

WRITING
3 scripts I am finally finishing rewrites on. And my writing partner and I can finally get to work on our feature. I have so much excitement for making shit happen with my writing career right now I could explode.  There comes a time in everyone's career when they are ready to take the big risks to make shit happen, and for me, I truly believe that time has come.  "No nuts, no glory" is what Happy Hour Housewife and I say!

TV WATCHING
Breaking Bad. Mad Men. Hung... oh, how I've missed thee! I will be catching up on every TV show I couldn't keep up with during wed-planning madness. Ooo! And Glee. Lots of Glee. And Modern Family too. And I may rewatch all of Lost Season 6 too. 'Cause I'm a nut.

MOVING
We are in the midst of post-wedding apartment hunting -- which is exciting, yes, but also frustrating because there are a million factors that go into finding a great place in Los Angeles. Neighborhood, commute, ammenities, size, etc. And do we want to live within walking distance of the metro? Yes of course we do, but then we'd have to move farther east and we both work on the westside. GRRRR.  As of now, we live in a great neighborhood.  The only problem is that the actual apartment we've been living in for the last three years charges us shitty rent when we could have cheaper rent in comparable apartments nearby -- on the same street even. SO. That hunt is on. Plan for the move is October. Fingers crossed we find something off the chain.

NEW WEBSITE PLANNING & DESIGNING
...Will be kept a secret for now... but I am working with a certain someone who I admire like caraaazy, and I am so so lucky that she agreed to work with me! I will keep you posted on the new site. It's going to be baller awesome, hot-2-trot, sexypants, and totally blam-blam. Whatever that means.

What are you excited to get back to after wed-planning is done?

Hitchfest 2010: The Rehearsal Dinner, aka Sausage Fest!

We left off with me being pissed with Mike for his failure to send the ceremony script to our officiant... anger I knew I would have trouble suppressing right away. But it was time to eat. And drink a shit ton of delicious beer.  So immediately after my almost heart attack over the ceremony script, we all headed to Wurstkuche for the rehearsal dinner, aka Sausage Fest 2010.

We all sat at that big, long table in the foreground of the photo.

After we all got seated and situated, we proceeded to drink beer. By the liter.

Happier now that I have a beer in hand.

We then proceeded to devour sausages and white truffle oil fries. It was awesome, and I was starting to feel better.  I was still upset about the ceremony script, but I was able to drown my anger in booze. Good idea at first, not so good by the end of the night (more on that to come in the next recap post).  So for now, I was in a decent mood, and I was ready to pass out the gifts to the wedding party. Remember how I told you we called our wedding party Team Zissou? Well, let's just say the gifts reflected that name... 

Can you tell what the gift is?! It consisted of these three parts:

Team Zissou Red Beanie

 +

Beer boot w/lanyard

 +

Zissou Society Member Badge

=

TEAM ZISSOU IN FULL EFFECT!

After the gift giving portion of the dinner, something really weird and awesome happened. There was this guy that worked at Wurstkuche who I-shit-you-not had a Team Zissou tattoo on his arm and was wearing a red beanie. At the restaurant. While we were there causing our Team Zissou scene. He came up to us, showed us his tat, and we flipped! So of course we had to take a picture:

This man did not belong to our group. He worked there. Can you say, "bizarr-O"?

Then things started to get silly... the table thought it would be funny to pour each of their drink into one cup and make Mike and I drink it.  Why? Who knows. But I was game. Of course I was game. 

Me holding the table's drink concoction...

Me convincing myself that I will conquer it...

Annnnnd me getting grossed out after tasting it. 

And then if you can believe that, things got even more sillier:

one last group shot!

Next up: Dinner is over and we go out drinking. Heavily. Way.Too.Heavily. Hilarious pics to come with that post, friends. Stay tuned. 

Miss any Hitchfest 2010 Recap-age? Catch up here:

Hitchfest 2010: Thursday Night Fun & a Pig Roast
Hitchfest 2010: The Budget

Hitchfest 2010: The Rehearsal... kinda

The Wedding Pantry: Last Minute Bride Event

Got a craving for wedding goods you can purchase last-minute? Yes? Then I've got an event for you that's so fergalicious, you'll be shouting, "Ta-ta-ta TASTY, TAST-AAAy!" Here's the info:

September 12th
Last Minute Bride Event

Hosted by locally-owned, wedding-friendly locations, Last Minute Bride is a Los Angeles based, rotating bridal shop working with local businesses to offer brides-to-be everything they'll need for their special day. Last Minute Bride not only offers an array of last minute details, such as jewelry, accessories and bridal party gifts, but we've got the true last minute bride covered too! From the wedding cake and photographer, to the florist and coordinator; whatever your wedding needs, we've got it down.

This event will be from 1-5pm. 

Register here http://www.eventbrite.com/event/807679792

ADMISSION IS FREE!

And as an extra bonus, you can get the chance to meet my fabulous DOC, Just Wenderful -- she's sponsoring it, yo!

Hot Shit On The Dance Floor

Happy Friday, lovers!  Feel free to laugh your heads off at this pic of me in my own little dance world at our wedding.  I promise to share more hot mess dance floor photos of me.  There's about 50 of them. Not counting the pro pics.  So get excited.

 Oh what the hell? I'll show you a few more just because it's Friday. And because I love you all so very much. And because I like to embarrass myself. And because it's Friday, and I want to inspire you all to get a lil drunk n crazy this weekend.

Listen closely... I'm screamin, "Oooooh shiiiit! Get it guuuurl"

If you are having a dance party, I suggest you invite me. I got skillz.

I'm still rockin'

Oh, and don't forget to have a damn good weekend. That's an order! 

Much Love--

B