"Say 'Yes' to the Dress": Say 'No' to This Show

Why do I keep watching TLC's "Say 'Yes' to the Dress"? I guess the brides they feature usually don't bother me. Well, aside from the occasional 'Daddy's girl' bride. But good lord, the family members and so-called 'friends' they let sit in on the appointment, for the majority, are just atrocious. I've never seen so many people with such odd senses of entitlement before in my life. They can be just flat-out mean when the bride steps out in the first gown, forcing us to ask the question, "Um, aren't they supposed to be there for moral support"? But these brides NEVER step up to their haters. They just shrug and say, "OK, well. I loved it. But since the room didn't explode with fireworks, I guess this dress is a 'no'"

What? A perfectly wonderful dress that made the bride happy is somehow a 'no'? Without even thinking it over? Shot down? Just like that? It's absolutely looney to me that these friends and family members think they know how the bride's body feels when fitted in a particular dress. Are they somehow magically in tune with her personal body issues? And know what parts she is comfortable accentuating? And what parts she wants to keep covered? And what makes her feel beautiful? Rubbish.

I don't give a flying f-ck if your Mom is paying for the dress. Or Dad. Or your grandma. Or the f-cking Easter Bunny. This is YOUR WEDDING DAY. (Good god when is that going to go without saying?) You get to wear what you want. And if the person who is paying for the dress doesn't quite get that, then you need to tell them. And keep telling them til they do. Because really. What person, who loves you so much that they offered to buy your wedding gown, would EVER want to put pleasing themselves above pleasing you? You are the bride! The one who is actually going to be wearing the dress!

Let's talk about Kleinfeld's bridal consultants, the ones who guide the dress appoointment. The show makes this job out to look like the hardest thing in the world, but honestly, I'm not quite convinced. Yeah yeah, I'm sure the job has it's many moments, but from what I've seen, here is what a Kleinfeld Consultant needs to possess:

The ability to:

1. Chain smoke.
2. Dress people.
3. Speak in a Jersey accent.

Ok. Now that we we know what a consultant does. Let's take a second here to assess the actual Kleinfeld Players. (ha. 'The Kleinfeld Players." Sounds like "Newsies meets Chippendale's")

• Consultants that [usually] don't annoy me:

Keasha

• Consultants that [always] annoy me:
  

Basically everyone else

• My absolute FAVORITE consultant:
  

Camille. OF COURSE, Camille. What? You don't remember who Camille is? A simple equation will remind you:

Gene Simmons

[+]

Kleinfeld


[-]

The Shades



[+]

A serious fake 'n bake sesh


[=]

Camille

Camille is Say 'Yes' to the Dress's only saving grace. Not for any reason other than the fact that she kinda resembles Gene Simmons. Well, that, and she wears a chain. [I always give out points for being gangsta].

And then to our left we have Kleinfeld's exclusive designer, Pnina Tornai. Everyone luuuuurves Pnina - so much so that I saw one father buy his engaged daughter a $15, 000 gown of hers. And that was at a hefty discount! A DISCOUNT! I mean, Pnina is mega talented and her gowns are masterfully crafted, but let's get real, right?

My second beef with her designs [that every bride seems to again, luuuurve] is the see-through bodice gowns she keeps making. I have no problem with it being see-through. I don't give a sh-t about modesty on your wedding day or any day. The see-through bodice doesn't offend me in the least. What does offend me, however, is how f-cking ugly it looks. ON EVERYONE. I don't care if you're the fittest gal with the bustiest of boobs: You TOO, do not look good in that dress. Heidi Klum wouldn't even look good in this dress. It looks like glorified lingerie, but in the really bad, 80's music video kinda way. Whenever I see a bride try on this dress, I can't shake the image of Tawny Kitaen spreading eagle on the hood of a car. This dress is an ugly, expensive mistake that everyone needs to STOP obsessing over.

This woman is gorgeous, but this dress is just all wrong. I implore you to find someone who looks good in this dress. In fact, I dare you. Oooo!

I know I'll continue to watch the show just to satiate my love of bridal fashion porn. But, damn, can we please be gifted a wedding gown show that doesn't require brides to disclose 'price points'? Or one that doesn't portray the bride's friends and family as a couch full of assh-les with bullheaded opinions?

Anyone wanna produce one with me? One about the quest for a bargain and/or non-bridal salon wedding gown. 'Cause let's remember: there's a whole world of brides out there who can't spend over $1000 on their wedding gown - or even over a couple hundred for that matter. Wouldn't it be nice to get some researched tips on where to find these oh-so-fabulous, yet oh-so-rare hidden treasure gowns?

TLC, do you hear the indie brides-a-callin'?

Can you hear their spirit animal cry?

Shhh.....

Listen...