I don't know how this happened... but AAA... those slick, roadside assistant dudes, just sent me a piece of mail addressed to the name: "
Brittany Hess." For those who don't know, my last name is indeed NOT Hess.
My name is Brittany Leigh Hilgers, thankyouverymuch. My partner's last name is Hess. So, yeah. Not sure how my partner's last name has anything to do with my last name, AAA. So if you want my business, or the business from any other engaged person out there, changing our names based on out-dated and anti-feminist conventions, isn't going to cut it. Sure, I imagine there are a lot of engaged people out there that ARE changing their name based on those conventions or based on personal reasons that have nothing to with those conventions, which is perfectly awesome and wonderful, but let's not ASSUME that this is
everyone's decision. Changing your name is a very
personal decision. For both men AND for women.
Personally, I decided to keep my name. And Mike has chosen to keep his last name as well. Yeah, AAA, there are men out there, *GASP*
men who see name changing as an equal prospect that has nothing to do with gender. Get it through your heads that changing last names after marriage isn't reserved solely for women. Period. So if I have to get this shit in the mail, then so should he. So if you're reading AAA, please send us another set of "Worry-Free Driving Cards" addressed to
Mike Hilgers. Thx.
Oh and I have one last question for you, AAA: Just where the fuck do you guys get off?
Anyone else have to endure the assumption that you are changing your name once married? And if you are changing your name for personal reasons, I'd love to hear them! I think we need to respect both decisions, and not be quick to call someone anti-feminist just because they CHOOSE to change their name. That way we can start to see it as a
personal decision instead of a this presumed
necessity once married.
17 comments:
W.T.F. I'd be piiiiiiiissed. No one has assumed so far, let's keep it that way!
WOW. Bad on AAA! I went out to dinner once with the future in-laws and friends of theirs who asked what I was doing about my name. It was a major point of contention for me and D, but I decided to change it, so I told her I was taking his. The response? "Oh good; I think that's really important." WTF? What if I hadn't? What would she have said? It probably only rankled so much because I'm not super thrilled about it, though. :-/
Bitches.
I did choose to change my name after i was married and when i mean after i mean well over a year after (LOL). What killed me was the looks and assumptions beforehand. No our last names don't match SO THE F WHAT? as you said it's a personal choice, one that took me a long time to make. I have to say though the best laugh came when they assumed my last name was his and called him Mr. *insert my maiden last name here* Even though i ultimately made the choice to change my last name it still upsets me when people do things like AAA. Everyone should know by now what happens when you assume. although i disagree with the "and me" bit of that...i'm pretty sure it only makes an ass out of U ;)
My mom didn't change her last name, but she and my dad both went to Georgetown (her for med school and him for law school) and somehow, the school realized that they were married. They've been sending solicitations to Dr. Ruth Dadslast ever since, and my mom refuses to give them a penny until they correct the mistake.
Personally, I don't get caught up in the whole anti-feminist or feminism movement. To me, it's about being who you are - as an individual - and figuring out what you want to do with your life based on your own desires and what works for you. I am changing my name to his just because I love him and know that he would be honored for me to recognize our family in this way. It's just part of the traditionalist side of me.
As far as your mail issue, I get stupid mail at my house addressed to my flippin uncle and cousin who have never lived in my house or even my state for that matter. To this day, I have no freaking idea how I end up with mail addressed to a Miller when a Campbell lives in my house!
This has been in an ongoing (inner) battle for me. He could give a shit if I change my name or not. He has made it clear that his last name is staying (fine that's his choice and for the record he does have the coolest last name like ever) but I was really on the fence about my own name change. My mother didn't change her name and, therefore, my sister and I have the last name of mom'slastname-dad'slastname. I want to be able to have the same last name as my children (I know this is another debate on the blog-o-sphere but, yes, I do want children) but I refuse to put them through the handcramps that I went through of having a hyphenated name. Plus I don't want TWO hyphens in my last name. That is just ridiculous. Finally, I realized that I will not change as a person if I change my name but at the same time I want to keep a part of that with me. SO the newest plan is to move my middle name to be included with my first name (as it was supposed to be on my birth certificate anyway but someone f*ed up) and move my last name as my middle name and take his last name as my last name. Pretty complicated but it works for me.
For real? That's a whole other layer of incompetence and presumption.
You know what you should watch out for? Checks addressed to you in your imaginary, new married name; I am taking his name but no documents have been changed yet so it doesn't exist anywhere. This totally happened to me and luckily Citibank kinda doesn't care.
I just saw that you are getting the food catered by Kogi BBQ Taco truck - I die. Bow down to you girl.
I am changing my name after we marry, simply because I want to. I am looking forward to it, actually. I do want to be totally clear that I really respect everyone's personal decisions on this, because I know how much it can mean to some people to consider changing or not changing their name. But to me, it's just not that big of a deal--I always knew this was what I would do.
This is something I would do (write an angry letter to some one who did something stupid. So relaxing.) For YEARS my mom got mail for "Mr. Quail." Well, that's her dad who has been dead for almost 30 years. That always made me mad.
Anyway, I'm changing my name pretty much because I want to and it's really important to Josh. He's a traditionalist when it comes to certain things and since I get my way, oh, all the time, I figured this is one thing I can do to really make him happy. Plus, I want our children to have the same last name as us. I have my mom's last name because my parents were never married and I never felt like my dad's child. I would hate for my kids to feel that way about me (I know I'm worrying about a completely hypothetical situation...I know). While I will definitely miss my name, I'll still consider myself a Quail woman forever. Actually, some people refer to me as just my last name, and I not-so-secretly hope they don't stop once I'm married.
Well, Brit, we all know where my hammer of justice falls on this issue. How - nay, WHY - should I abandon only one of the illest last names ever, by which all friends past and present know me (or some derivative form)? Marriage to someone whose own mom didn't change her name certainly does not qualify as sufficient reason (in fact, her last name serves as two of the three sons' middle names - a nice way to compromise for those of you on the fence). Further reasoning: my family name means "integrity" in Mandarin (baller!), there are few descendents we wish to claim who will carry on the name, and I'll have to admit it felt sorta awesome at the wedding to represent the Te Mongols with the symbol tattooed on my shoulder (which they could clearly see from their seats) AND the name permanently etched on my AAA card (which, regrettably, was not displayed prominently at the ceremony - I expect to see your exciting AAA artifact worked into a comical centerpiece somewhere, perhaps with a mini tow truck carting the old tradition to the scrap heap?). It was great to have a partner and family-in-law who could genuinely give an eff less about the honor of their name. As a symbolic gesture, my choice wasn't just about rejecting archaic gender norms, flouting (in some small way) an institution that still does not accept my GLBT friends and family, and remaining committed to the true fifty-fifty nature of our partnership; it was admittedly also a little bit selfish. What about where I come from, what about MY family, why doesn't MY history count? Well, by f*&^, it does! And I believe my family was actually quite honored that I chose to take that piece of them with me for the rest of my life. Sure, there will be mixups at the airport, teacher conference awkwardness (should we someday decide to embark on the thankless hell-journey of parenthood), and befuddled looks from old-timers, and I withstood no dearth of interrogation prior to the nups, but I don't regret the decision one second. Especially when his alma mater sends fundraising mail adressed to Mr. and Mrs. Tyler Lastname. (PEOPLE STILL DO THAT?!?!) Let the riot act begin!
Hi Brittany. I work for the national office of AAA. Thanks for bringing this to our attention. I don't know where the disconnect happened, but we'll have the name corrected. It was not our intent to change your name, and I'm sorry you were offended.
Just fyi -- I do feel your pain. I did not change my name when I got married so I do understand your position. Best wishes to you and Mike for a long and happy marriage!
didn't change my name.
gave my son my last name as one of his middle names.
consequently, he has the longest name in the history of mankind- benjamin alexander frechette honkkila. i'm not sure we'll do that again with the second kid...
I hate it when people assume that you are going to do anything when you get married, but assuming you will change your name takes the cake. I actually was (and still am) considering changing my last name, for a variety of reasons. I haven't decided yet. But I've had the opposite happen because all of my friends assume that I will keep my name. Cause I'm a bleeding heart liberal feminist and all that. What I do know is that no one should judge anyone in any way for changing or not changing their name. I'm probably going to write a post about my own grappling with the name change issue, since I still haven't figured it out.
I really wanted to keep my name. For a long time. And then I was torn, because I really wanted to share a name with my husband... I know that sharing a name does NOT make you a family, but well...to be honest, it had a nice, cozy feeling to me. Both of our last names are nouns, and so I thought it'd be neat to hyphenate, and to have us BOTH have the same, hyphenated name. When I brought it up to my fiancee, he thought it was a good idea, but wants to keep his name the same because his father is very traditional, and as an only child, my fiancee knew that it means a lot to his dad for his last name to remain the same (Fiancee's dad is also a cancer survivor and has been on the edge of death numerous times, so fiancee doesn't want to hurt him, and I get that.) He told me that he was open to any name I wanted to have, but that he really felt strongly about keeping his last name for his dad.
I'm still torn, and I'm glad I have the rest of my life to figure out what I want. Because we came upon a compromise, and I just don't know how I feel. The compromise that I like but don't love is that I keep my last name as a middle name and add his last name as my last, and Fiancee will take my last name as a middle name. So we'd be Theresa X Y and Fiancee X Y. I thought it was a good compromise (but I did like my hyphen idea!), and I was glad that Fiancee was open to discussing all options, and he deserved for me to hear his thoughts. :)
I'm on a roll tonight of addressing BS wedding decisions that aren't based on reality. Thank goodness I found this post. It completes the circle tonight. Why can't we just respect people's decisions no matter what they are? Instead of assuming or prescribing our decisions onto other people? This isn't a feminist thing. It's just a personal thing.
My favorite comments so far, regarding my very personal decision to not change my name:
* What last name will you give your kids? Won't you feel like you aren't a family?
* I bet you're excited to be announced as husband and wife! Mr. and Mrs. {Insert fiancé's first AND last name here}
No judgment from this girl about anyone's decisions. It's just how *I* feel about *my* decisions.
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