The Troast: The Ultimate Wedding Toast/Roast Hybrid

Toasts. We're doing them.  But we're doing them our way. The Bowie way. The, "we make our own damn rules" way. Thus the word Troast was birthed from our offbeat wedding vagina. Troast is a hybrid of toasting and roasting with no restrictions on the *type* of speech being made at a wedding. The content of the troast can be anything -  nice, funny, embarrassing, tear-jerking, frightening, shocking - anything goes!  Yes, I understand that we're possibly opening up a can of worms with this, but from past experience, the best and most meaningful toasts were really troasts disguised as toasts.  Sweet with a dash of sass.  Hilarious with a dash of adoration.  Charming with a dash of biting honesty. Or a mix of all of these.

For the troast portion of the evening, four members of Team Zissou, aka our wedding party, stood up and declared they wanted to instigate a contest for who gives the most memorable Troast at the wedding. Trust me, I was NOT the one to come up with this little contest.  But our buds are just funny like that, so I say, if they want to do it, have at it, kids!  And we've told them that they can say whatever they want. Embarrassing? YES. Tear-jerking? TOTALLY. Slightly inappropriate? ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY. Dudes, I'm getting married. I have no secrets to keep. Or stories I can't share.  Especially with my closest friends and family.  And to my closest friends and family who are a little freightened by this prospect, ear plugs will be provided at the door at no additional cost. You're welcome.

A couple years back, Mike gave a troast at the wedding of two very dear friends of ours.  And the troast has since gone down in infamy history in our circle of friends.  The troast got a myriad of reactions... mostly good...  However, there were a few mouths in the audience that were agape in shock, and perhaps a little horror. Before your imaginations start to run wild with what this troast actually involved, let me just tell you that Mike handled it in the most respectful of ways. There was no cliched, angry, drunken toast talking about all the chicks the groom fucked back in college. No. That simply would not be funny. At all. And Mike's a funny guy. So naturally, he thought about this troast long and hard, with the goal to make it as honest as possible without being offensive. Since Mike lived the toast, I'll just let him tell it to you, as if he were roasting the Bride and Groom. So I'm passing the mic over to my Michael. Take it away, sweets!

 I have hated Steve for three years.


A lot of nice people have had a lot of nice things to say about Steve, blah blah blah, well I'm here to set the record straight. 

The first time I told Steve I was going to kill him was the first time I met him...  I was studying frantically for my Mandarin Chinese final I had to take the next morning.  Spoiler Alert:  I get a C minus, and I don't graduate Summa Cum Laude. Keep that bit of info in mind.  

One night, Steve, beginning a long and annoying pattern of him being wasted at my place 24/7, was drunk and whining at my door, yelling "I'm Hungry!  I'm Hungry!"

Ignoring Steve like the hobo whose clothes he had stolen that night, I didn't give him a second look and went back to studying for my Chinese exam. But alas, the beast erupted again, "I'm Hungry, Take me to Jack in the Box!"

I have never met this man, and he's yelling at me, begging me to take him to Jack n the Box at 2 in the morning. "Jack Inna Box!  Jack inna Box! " he kept cooing.

 

The Groom's reaction during the toast. Priceless.

 
"Who are you?"  I ask  "Why would I take you to Jack in th..."
"Jack Inna Box!  TAKE ME TO JACK INNA BOX!"

After five painful minutes of this I say, "Fine, let's go."


So Steve and I get in my truck, and I start to drive towards the Jack in the Box, which, keep in mind, is only two blocks away.  But I decide to have some fun with Steve... I start to take strange rights and lefts, quick turns and loops, and basically end up circling the car around for about fifteen minutes.  I fend off Steve's incessant complaints by saying, "Don't worry, man. It's right around the corner".  

...Then, suddenly, the streets become darker and darker, the houses fewer and fewer, and Steve's questions and complaints more insistent.  Finally, I park the car on a dark, isolated stretch of a grassy lot, and eerily turn my head towards him and say,

"Steve.  Do you know where we are right now?"

He looks around, frightened. Confused.

"No....." 


"Steve, do you know what time it is?"

Completely and utterly mystified by the question, he replies, "No............."

Silence. Then I say,

"Well, Steve.  I do"  and looking him dead in the eyes I say... 

"It's time to die, Steve.  Get out of the car and say your prayers."


 And after a very long, extremely baffling, demoralizing pause, he drunkenly replied...  

"No...."


And I turned the corner, and drove him to Jack in the Box. Wait, excuse me, Jack INNA Box.  I bought him an ultimate cheeseburger and some jalenpeno poppers. And the stain he left on my passenger seat is still there.

And at the end of the toast, Mike did the whole, "In all honesty, love you guys, congrats" BS, don't worry.  I just thought I'd share the juiciest part. Steve's face in these shots made the whole toast even that much more worth it. We were all sitting up at the head table, dying of laughter. 

I cannot wait to hear the troasts our friends come up with.  I'm thinking back to all our crazy college stories... and oh lord... there's some good shit to share.  One story in particular that I hope someone decides to tell...Chris, if you're reading this, I'm talking to you...wink wink... And to all our other brave troasters, feel free to go balls out. As always, we welcome it.

Would you allow this kind of toast to be made at your wedding?  And, what are some joke-y type toasts you've heard that fell flat?  Those are the best.