Thursday, September 2, 2010

I am not getting pregnant. Stop asking.

GoodChrist.  When will people stop asking me about this?  We've been married only a month for fuck's sake. Sure I fully expected to get the "so when are ya thinking of starting a family" questions post-wedding, but damn, I didn't expect there to be this many.  And I'm not just talking about solely getting asked about it -- I'm talking about the assumptions people have made about my body birthing a child just because I am a woman and am now married.

For example, I had to get a spinal tap recently, and the first thing the doc told me, as he was prepping my back to get all needled up, was "This is what an epidural is going to feel like when you give birth."

YEAH. He said, "When you give birth." Not "if" or even "someday." WHEN.

Look. I get it. He's just being a doctor. And doctors say that shit.  But just because my body is capable of birthing children, doesn't mean I will choose to employ said capability. I am a person. Not a fuckin baby factory.  Do people make assumptions about men impregnating women? They've got the tools to make it possible after all... so we should be making the same assumptions about men and having children too, right? I mean, based on people's assumption about women inevitably becoming pregnant, it makes sense to me that men would get asked about the virility of their semen.  But that doesn't really happen. Or does it? Men, feel free to weigh in here.

Oh, and then this happened at the OBGYN recently (TMI? I don't care).

Man Doctor: Do you plan on becoming pregnant in the next 6 months to a year?
Me: No.
Man Doctor: Weeeell... just in case you change your mind, we need to make sure we get you back in here right away to start you on pre-natal vitamins--"
Me: Ummmmm don't think we'll be crossing that bridge, Doc. But thanks for your concern.
Man Doctor: Ok. But prenatal vitamins are very important. Just remember that.
Me: Yeah. Thanks. Now get your hands off my boobs. You've been checking them for lumps a tad longer than necessary there, Ace.

Ok... I didn't say that last bit, but I sure as shit was thinking it.

Oh, and the men I encounter daily think their pregnancy jokes are hilarious and therefore won't stop.  Shooooot meeeeee.

This happening to any of you married ladies too?
Posted by Britt Hollenbrau at 8:00 AM

20 comments:

  1. Umm, we aren't even married and it's starting. The other day I got, "since you're 40, are you guys gonna try for a honeymoon baby?" Did you REALLY just say that to me or am I being Punk'd? Sorry, but I don't feel comfortable discussing when, where, or how me and my man have sex or choose to procreate!
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  2. Ditto on the OBGYN. Except for asking "do you plan on becoming pregnant in the next 6 months" she asked me "If you became pregnant, would you keep the baby?" Talk about a mind-trip in the middle of my appointment. Um, maybe? Seems like a rather personal question to just jump into right now. Why do you ask? Oh, because you want me to take pre-natal vitamins? That won't freak my boyfriend out or anything....
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  3. Luckily I haven't encountered much of this. Although, our 4 yr old flower girl is extremely interested in the happenings of my uterus and said the following sentences to me when we were on vacation a few weeks ago:

    "Emily, when are you having a baby?"
    "Emily, when are you having a baby shower?"
    "Emily, now that you're married, you can have a baby!"
    "Emily, when you have a baby you'll be a mother and Josh will be a father."

    Thank God she's so cute. For grown-ups, I just laugh it off. I do agree that it sucks men don't get the same questions, though.

    As for that epidural comment, I'd actually be more upset with the fact that the doctor just assumed you would GET an epidural.

    Ps, TELL ME you've seen who is featured on the WB classifieds today. The irony is not lost on me.
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  4. We aren't getting married for 5 more months and I've already had a ton of people ask if we were going to try for a honeymoon baby. UMMM no..I'd like to enjoy my marriage for a little while before I pop about a 6 lb baby from my vagina. and why the hell is it anyone's business?
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  5. I'm not even married yet and I get it. Also, this is one reason on a list of many why I only go to female OBGYNs!
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  6. We've been getting these questions since we moved in together when we were 20. Yeah, crazy. They haven't increased since we got married, but our mothers are both waiting impatiently.
    @EmilyB: We got the same questions from one of our flower girls. Ever since the wedding, she's been very concerned about when we're having a baby, where we'll live, and what kind of house we'll buy. Like you said, good thing she's cute.
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  7. Get thee to apracticalwedding.com, stat! Two recent blog posts on this very topic. Seriously intelligent comments on both posts--makes for quite the interesting read!

    Marriage/Wife does NOT equal MOTHER. Also, on starting a family? I'm pretty sure you already started one by getting married. My (soon-to-be) husband and I ARE a family, thankyouverymuch. We just don't have kids right now.
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  8. I surprisingly don't get comments on this, which I'm surprised by because random people typically have been inserting themselves into our lives as advice givers from the day we moved in together.
    Hang in there, and find a new obgyn!
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  9. You know what I find offensive is, as previously mentioned by Amy, nobody seems to take marrying couples who aren't into having kids with respect. It's always, "when are you going to start a family?" Well...what do you call getting married? That is starting your own family. I think that just because a woman chooses not to have children, it should certainly not serve to devalue her partnership. While I'm sure you're quite capable of taking care of a child, Brittany, your life should not be defined by a series of steps that pigeonhole you as only being capable of bearing and raising children. As if that's the only next logical step after marriage. What is marriage - oh, yes, I forget, it's about being all good with Whoever In The Sky before you decide to get your eggo preggo. Plz!
    While motherhood is commendable, and it's one of the best things a woman can be, it is not the only reason marriage exists.
    Don't let the pressure get your bloomers in a twist, some folks just haven't gotten their heads wrapped around the idea that some folks get married but don't want to have kids, whether it be at that stage of their lives, or at all. Think of a funny, slightly disturbing comeback for the next time someone asks you the question. Make it fun.
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  10. Oh F, every time I say I'm hungry at work I get the "Stacy's preggo!" bullshit. Ugh. Not a uterus on legs, I HAVE A BRAIN.
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  11. ugh, in my family it was assumed that since i'm engaged it means i'm pregnant. my darling 80 year old grandmother started that one. i really haven't had too many questions about starting a family right away, but this just touches on an issue that is sensitive with me. the assumption that all women want to have children. that we will all get pregnant. when people have talked about our future together, it's never if you decide to have children, it is always when you decide to have children. and whenever i bring up that i don't ever plan on reproducing, i get lots of lectures on how it's not natural, it's not womenly, it's a shame josh would be such a good dad. how are we still stuck with the mindset that women need to reproduce to live life to the fullest, instead of respecting their values, their goals, and their reproductive rights?
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  12. I did a very similar post on this yesterday. I don't get the baby question too often probably b/c everyone knows my husband and I can't afford to have a baby right now though last week at a family function I wasn't drinking immediately and one of the cousins said if I didn't get a drink soon everyone would start to assume it's b/c I'm preggers. So I got a glass of wine STAT.
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  13. Just consider how lucky you are that you're under 30 (I am thinking 30 is the magic number). Being over 30 means not only do you get the "when are you starting a family" questions but also the "you better hurry/you don't have much time left" comments too. Fun all around!
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  14. Ugh.

    I live in fear of turning 30 already and I'm only 25, because I KNOW the questions are going to be every day then.
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  15. 7 years later no baby and constant no we don't want kids EVER and we STILL get asked almost weekly, ESPECIALLY by his family, and especially since I am now 31. Apparently they don't know what no and never mean, I didn't change my mind just because I am older now. It is so annoying.
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  16. This is some bullshit, yo.

    From doctors? Unacceptable. From friends? Super unacceptable. From random peope? F you/none of your business, dude. To my mind, family (specifically parents who want to be grandparents) are the only ones for whom an argument can even be made that they have the right to say something, because they have a biological incentive to see their genes be continued and an emotional stake in the enlargement of their own clan. But even then...

    And P.S. I'm TOTALLY with Emily B and offended that your doctor would just assume you're getting an epidural.
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  17. i'm pretty sure everyone thought i got married because i was already pregnant.
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  18. For me, shortly after we got married, my husband got a job offer overseas. When I started off a conversation with "Great News!", intending to fill them in on the job offer, inevitably, the response was "OMG, you're pregnant!?!"
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  19. i´´m so sorry for you! but there´´s news....they Never, ever stop asking, even when you tell them to mind their owns business....so try to be patient, or just don´´t listen....or change the subject, or just lok with real warth in your ayes to them....or maybe is better a mix for all the above...
    Angela.
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  20. Me and my husband been married for two and trust me the questions about "when will i be pregnant?" is nonstop. It is very rude and offensive talking my sexlife as if they have the right to....

    Why couldnt they ask my husband "when will your wife get pregnant eh?" so far nobody asked him that yet!
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