A dear friend of mine is gettin hitched soon. On a pirate ship in Vegas. And I cannot wait to experience her wedding and all the joy that will ensue. It is going to be epic. Recently she emailed me something that had me a tad livid on her behalf. WIC, I'm talking to you here, so read closely.... The email she sent me described the backlash she has received for wearing her engagement ring on her RIGHT hand instead of the "correct" way on her left. Well. I say that's bullshit. And I am tired of all these arbitrary wedding rules. So I asked her permission, and she graciously agreed to let me post her email for you all to read. I hope it lights the same fire under your ass as it did mine....
From my friend:
"I saw your blog about your wedding band today and wanted to tell you something about mine. I'm sure you saw this on Facebook, but Stevesie and I just got my engagement ring (yes, 2 weeks before the wedding) because we couldn't afford to (with our move and all) and because of our untraditional proposal (me saying "if we're moving to South Carolina then we're getting married, damnit") Well, I LOOOOVE my ring and have been excited to show my ring at work. All my coworkers were SO excited for me, but EVERY SINGLE ONE of them said, "You've got it on the wrong hand." I wear mine on my right hand because I had surgery on my left ring finger as a child and literally cannot wear a ring on that hand. The cool thing about it is that Steve's family is Hungarian (and he's obsessed with Hungary) and in Hungary you wear it on your right hand. So we totally thought it was sweet and fateful that I have to wear in on my right hand...."meant to be" if you will. He'll wear his band on his right hand too. All the jewelry places we've been to, and all my coworkers have told me I have it on the "wrong" hand. It's just so weird to me A. that anyone even notices, and B. that people tell me I'm doing something "wrong." LOL It's my marriage. I do what I want!
And one dumbass lady at a Jewelry store said, "oh, that's ok...i guess people will still know you're married." LOL...she said it really patronizing and weird. We just laughed it off, but I've been thinking a lot about it and it is more special to me that we have to wear it on our right hands...like we started our own little tradition. I don't care what other people think! I like that it makes us unique, too."
Has anyone else experienced this same backlash over wearing your ring on the "wrong" finger? Also, have any of you gotten crap for not wearing a ring at all? I'm with my friend: "It's my marriage. I do what I want!" What do you guys think?
Agreed, it's her life and her marriage and no one has a right to question her. I am glad to know that when they do they have to feel like the moron for asking (medical reason and all). Our society likes to point the finger on everyone else instead of pointing it at themselves.
ReplyDeleteOK, confession, I'm guilty of checking out left hands of chicks in restaurants and all that (what a creeper right?)
ReplyDeleteBut now I'm just gonna have to check out both hands!
I think it's adorable and the disparaging comments will quit after a while when people find something else of no consequence to their lives to complain about. You KNOW I went through that "we're planning a wedding but I don't have a ring" stage and I felt the need to justify myself ALL the time. Over time it became something I had to justify to myself and to me, it became that ultimate symbol of commitment that I couldn't move forward in wedding planning or life without. You know? Certain things are important for certain reasons and that's just for each of us to figure out.
I applaud everyone that defines themselves, their marriages, and their lives on their own terms! It's hard to do that. I'm glad she wears it on her right hand, and for adorable reasons too (well, not the medical reason... the Hungary reason... yeah...)
I don't think I have ever commented, but I have checked out your blog for a while. :)
ReplyDeleteAfter living in Europe a few years, where they wear the rings on the right hand, like the friend mentioned, I get confused and often just check out both hands no matter where I am. That must be such a pain to continually be told, "You're doing it wrong!" Maybe just responding simply that "They do it like this in Europe" could shut down the criticism. Or maybe "Wrong? It's not wrong for us." I think it is cool that this couple is doing it on the right hand, and I wish other people were more supportive.
I wear my wedding band on my right hand, purely out of preference. I figured I was spending money on two beautiful, expensive pieces of jewelry, I should spread them out some. Plus, the band I picked has an uneven edge and looks weird with my engagement ring.
ReplyDeleteThat said, people still tell you you're wrong/weird/crazy. When I was home in NYC, my mom, sister and I went into Cartier to try on rings (because it's almost impossible to walk past Cartier). I tried on a few bands (none of which went more than two thirds of the way down my pinky finger because they were so tiny but that's a rant for another day) and when I told the saleslady that I was planning to wear my engagement ring on my left and band on my right, she literally told me I would be cursing my marriage by not wearing my band on my left hand. Seriously. We left pretty quickly.
People get confused, but really. Screw them. Lots of places wear rings on their right hands. It's not true that there's a special vein that whisks blood from your left ring finger to your heart faster than any other (and even still, ick!).
So, to your dear friend:
Rock out your right hand ring with me! And when people give you shit, tell them you're getting married on a pirate ship in Vegas and they'll have something different to hassle you about, and you can just pity them because clearly, you and your wedding are totally badass.
I thought a lot of women with giant diamonds wear their massive e-ring on their right hand and their equally glittering wedding band on their left? Because when you have a rock that could sink a ship, it doesn't fit well with a band.
ReplyDeletePersonally I wouldn't think anything of it, let alone make a remark to someone. I think some people believe what they say to others regarding their life choices doesn't hurt, when it really does. (whenyougonnahavekiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiids??? comes to mind as an example of this ...)
Raising my hand here for the shit I get for not wearing my e-ring, and for the crap I don't give about what anyone thinks. A marriage isn't based on a ring - it's based in the promise. I have lots of male friends who don't wear wedding bands because they work with their hands. It doesn't make them any less committed. It means they don't wear jewelery.
ReplyDeleteA ring is a pretty item of symbolic jewelery, and you've imbued it with your own meaning, and that's all that matters. A ring is not a freaking marriage. Rock your ring and love it. If other people can't see beyond their own immediate assumptions about "the way things are done" to the real meaning underneath, then it's their loss.
Many cultures wear the ring on the right hand, if they wear one at all. And a ring does not define one's married status.
ReplyDeleteIt is not fair to project your own expectations or opinions on to the world and look upon those who don't do it your way as wrong. It's just different and its JUST AS RIGHT as how you may do it. ... So Your friend should rock her ring on her right hand if she wants, in fact - if she wants to wear it on her big toe, she should! She will be just as married and just as blessed as the next gal.
A ring does not a marriage make!
I say this as someone in a mixed race marriage, who gets, "Oh, THAT'S your husband?" All the time, that again, this is another thing that's not about you, it's about them. They're more comfortable being able to "categorize" you quickly, and really, not your problem. The proper internal response to "I can't tell if you're married or not" is "So?" For your own sanity, I suggest simply saying, "My husband's Hungarian, and they wear their rings on the right hand," and keep stepping.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Hungarians aren't the only folks who wear their rings on their right hands. A lot of "Eastern" folks do it too and I think it's wrong for anybody to tell a person they're doing something the "wrong" way. It sounds utterly unprofessional, and I'd avoid working with people who tell you those types of things as a hard and fast rule. People who don't respect the way you do things aren't respecting your relationship, and certainly don't deserve your money.
ReplyDeleteOh jeeze!!! It's your ring, you wear it how ever you want!!! My father is from Austria, so he & my mom wear rings on both hands... one for the states, one for the Homeland. But, I'm pretty sure when they were newlyweds, they couldn't afford that luxury, so they probably ran into some of the same judgments. They have never done things the "right" way and have just celebrated 32 years of marriage. Must be doing something "right."
ReplyDeleteIf people have the balls to say "you're doing it wrong" you should tell them exactly where to shove it!
Stay true to yourself, and don't fret with what other people think!!
My engagement ring is not a diamond, so I got some backlash about it not being a "real" e-ring (for real, I'm not even kidding). I also wear it on the inside of my wedding band, and I've gotten a lot of, "Tree, don't you know your e-ring is supposed to be on the OUTSIDE?"...for real? I'm surprised I even remembered to put on jewelry this morning, and you're petty enough to tell me I put it on IN THE WRONG ORDER?!
ReplyDeleteI'm right-handed, so I wear any bracelets/rings/etc on my left anyway because I can't handle writing with jewelry on the hand I'm using (it just doesn't feel right for some reason), so I haven't gotten the "Wrong hand" stuff, but it blows me away how there's this "Right way of wedding jewelry" to-do list, and if you don't follow it your wedding/marriage/commitment doesn't count as high as those who do. DEF experienced that BS!
@-A.S.H. Damn right!
ReplyDeleteIt's so weird how people get so defensive of something so trivial, and I am talking about the people who are saying you're doing it wrong not the ones doing things "their own way".
ReplyDeleteI hardly EVER wear my rings. The diamond fell out of my engagement ring so I haven't worn it in years and it doesn't go with my wedding ring. I have my wedding ring and another ring he bought me for our first anniversary that is a bit flashier.
I don't wear them because they would get destroyed at work and then I never remember to put them on when I go out. No one ever says anything to me but that's probably because I look so young they don't think I am old enough to be married.
Allow me to get academic for a minute..."Social hegemony" names the 'spontaneous' consent given by masses of the population to the general direction and rules imposed on social life, ususally by the dominant fundamental group, aka "common knowledge".
ReplyDeleteIn otherwords, its all indoctrinated bullshit. I bet half of them don't even know why it's the wedding band finger, they are just repeating what's always been done (left finger artery-heart connection blah blah blah, but who said so??? Some Pope or midwife or jeweler in the Middle Ages???)
Do what works for you and your family. If it ain't hurting anybody or breaking any laws, who gives crap? Besides, who wants to do something "common"? I think it's awesome that you are honoring his Hungarian heritage. Happy marriage to you!!!
I've noticed that a lot of gay couples who consider themselves married even though the state refuses to wear their rings on their right hands. I think your story is adorable and you should just share it with anyone who gives you guff.
ReplyDeletecan't teach an old dog new tricks. OR. can't expect everyone to think more openly about tradition and what it means.
ReplyDeleteno one should be allowed to devalue our experiences or our weddings or our marriage or our choices because of the way we choose to observe/cherish it. sigh... sorry to your friend. she should tell them to eff them and that they can stick their left ring finger where the sun don't shine.
OOOOOOH don't eeeeeven get me started *drum roll*
ReplyDelete#1. It is MY marriage
#2 It is MY ring
Unfortunately, I think that in the US we focus too much on the RING versus the commitment. Here is an example: Immediately after we got engaged, every single woman I met asked to see my ring.
My than-fiance and I flew to my home country of Ecuador to an engagement party. Not a SINGLE person asked to see the ring. Instead, then insisted in meeting, hugging, kissing and talking to Mr. Brimer in broken English.
We got married a year ago and I love my ring. We chose not to purchase bands. I have to answer questions about why I don't have a band.
Tired of answering the same dumb questions, I simply shrug my shoulders and smile.
The golden rule in weddings/marriage matrimony: It is about the two of you.
-April
they pretty much don't wear rings at all in many european countries, so if you want to know if someone is married, i guess you'll have to ASK. :)
ReplyDeleteHa, truthfully, I never even notice people's engagement/wedding rings at all, so I wouldn't think twice about seeing someone wearing it on their right hand, "wrong finger," left toe, or otherwise... it's just not something I look for. And I'm engaged.
ReplyDeleteI get asked about my "lack of band" all the time. I had the e-ring solitaire(sp?) and moved my 1ct to a yellow gold cathedral cut wider band. For our 10th anny. we moved to a white gold cathedral band w/ small diamonds set along the side. people are stupid. they ask "what about your band?" i just tell 'em, the diamond was in all of my rings, so it's coming with me. if i were you, depending on my mood, I'd say, "but my left nipple is pierced, so we're even." screw 'em. i knew a woman who lost her left arm in an auto accident. her husband was sitting across a table from me and noticed my ring on my right hand and asked when I got married. it's all just what you are used to. there is a tactful way to ask about the "difference", i don't think there is any such thing as wrong. as i said, screw 'em.
ReplyDelete