Thursday, October 7, 2010

How to Win TLC's "Four Weddings" Without Being an Asshole

I really don't like TLC this week, do I?  I stumbled upon another one of TLC's reality wedding shows  and was outright shocked at what I saw.  Here is a teaser description of "Four Weddings" from TLC's website: "What happens when four brides and four weddings compete against each other for the honeymoon of their dreams?"

Bullshit at its finest, that's what!

No seriously, guys.  Have you seen this show shit?  As a blogger in the wedding industry and as a person who works in TV, I figured it would be appropriate for me to check this show out.  And check it out, I did. The result?  Let's just say I had to spark up a doobie halfway through to prevent myself from vomiting.  If you are reading this blog, it's very likely you already hate this show.  So there really isn't any need for me to write what you all are already thinking.  This show is too easy to criticize/make fun of, so I thought of a different way to bash this show: by beating them at their own game. Allow me to explain...

The prize for winning this show is pretty awesome: a dream honeymoon to some exotic location, fully paid for, all-inclusive paradise... you get it.  Coming from someone who had a hellish honeymoon experience, I would have loved to win a dream honeymoon.  But I of course would never dream of appearing on this show just to do so... BUT the prospect did make me wonder... how could a bride appear on this show and win without being an asshole?  Because let's be honest here, guys.  Anyone who thinks it's ok to judge someone's wedding day on a points scale, is an asshole.  A big one.  Gaping even.

Here's a list of what you need to know about the show to understand my theory on how to win it without  being an asshole:
  • Four brides attend each other's weddings and score aspects of each wedding from 1 to 10.
  • Categories include: Dress. Food. Venue. Overall Experience.
  • A score of "10" is rare. A score of "8" or "9" usually always goes to the "best" wedding of the bunch. 
  • In these women's eyes, the "best" wedding usually means this: "looks pretty, is fun, avoids long-winded speeches, good food, good weather, booze is readily available, bride's dress is perfect for her body, decor isn't tacky, and reception isn't held in a gym.
  • There is usually one wedding that every bride gives a low to average score to (2's, 3's, 4's, 5's). 
  • 1 to 2 weddings out of the 4 will usually receive an average to slightly above average score (6's, 7's, 8's). 
  • One wedding will stand out as the clear winner... OR it will be a close race between two weddings.

Now on to the fun part... the part where I tell you how to beat this show at its own game... without being an asshole in the process.  In order to do this successfully, follow these steps:
  1. Give each wedding you attend on "Four Weddings" a score of "10".  Naturally.  Because who the hell would feel right about judging someone else's wedding? And in points.  So everyone gets a score of 10 from you, in every category... Why you say? Because you are the bride who sees a wedding as being a celebration of a marriage, and not some contest. (See how non-assholey you are being!  Go you!)
  2. Plan the wedding you want.  And that's it.  Why is that it, you say?  Because you are a practical, sane person who knows what she wants and who loves her partner, and who knows how to throw a great party, and therefore would have the, quote, "best" wedding without even trying.  And just like that, these brides will have no choice but to give you a high score.  Of course there's always no harm in showcasing some cutesy DIY decor, or serving up some extra tasty food or playing some great dance music that gets everyone out of their seats to sweeten the point-load.  But chances are, you're probably planning on having all that anyway.

If you follow through on these steps, here's what a possible scoreboard could look like at the end:

Bride A's wedding (OUR BRIDE) (reflects example scores of a "stand-out" wedding)
Judge B: 7 - 8 - 9 - 9  (33)
Judge C: 8 - 8 - 8 - 7 (31)
Judge D: 8 - 9 - 9 - 9 (35)
TOTAL: 99

Bride B's Wedding (reflects example scores of an "average" wedding)
Judge A (our bride): 10 - 10 - 10 - 10 (40)
Judge C: 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 (26)
Judge D: 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 (26)
TOTAL: 92

Bride C's Wedding (reflects example scores of "better than average" wedding)
Judge A (our bride): 10 - 10 - 10 - 10 (40)
Judge B: 7 - 6 - 7 - 8 (28)
Judge D: 7 - 7 - 7 - 8 (29)
TOTAL: 97

Bride D's Wedding (reflects example scores of a "poorly executed" wedding)
Judge A (our bride): 10 - 10 - 10 - 10 (40)
Judge B: 5 - 5 - 7 - 8 (25)
Judge C: 5 - 6 - 7 - 5 (23)
TOTAL: 88

...And DING!DING!DING!  Our bride is the winner!  And she gave every wedding she attended a score of "10"!  She wins the honeymoon AND gets to keep her dignity! It's a win-win all around!

Now... these scores are obviously not going to be the exact scores given by each bride for this imaginary episode I have created...  But they are a pretty close estimate if we are looking to average out their scoring over every episode aired thus far.  So as you can see, this "method" of winning the show isn't guaranteed... but it is certainly possible... making it the only way in hell a sane bride could go on this show, NOT be an asshole, and still walk away with the prize (and her dignity) in the end!  And even if you don't end up winning in the end, you will have made an important statement on why weddings should not be judged on a points scale.

So... what brave bride out there is going to attempt my doctorevil plan to destroy this show and win a free honeymoon in the process...?

23 comments:

  1. i think we should get four of our own on there and everyone will have a perfect score. then everyone goes on the honeymoon and all the new wives/husbands and friends and other brides/grooms join them for a kick ass part in any exotic location we choose because we fooled TLC.

    i think that's a win.

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  2. I will come over to watch TLC & spark up doobies with you, any day of the week!

    Especially if we move on from Bride shows, to marriage shows... Sister Wives, anyone?

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  3. They have just started a version of this here in Oz and it makes me crazy.

    The mean bride always wins because she gives everyone a score of 1 - for everything - thus winning it in a landslide. Grrrrrr

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  4. ahaha you had me hooked from the title of this post. love it love it love it hehe!!! we have this show in australia and the bitchyness of the brides is disgusting! it's great entertainment but i wonder where people get off being such assholes? seriously, you've gotta be pretty shallow and really insecure!!

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  5. I hate this show, but I watch it because I like seeing multiple weddings and what they've done with them. I try to ignore the "scoring" part of the program. Most of these girls are total bitches and it really pisses me off when people give someones wedding a "3" or something like that.

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  6. I really enjoy the show!!!! And I don't think every bride on it is a horrible person.
    ...and every episode I feel bad for the 4th place bride, mostly because I don't want the bride to feel bad and think that her wedding wasn't as fun and great as she remembers.

    not to be a critic of your method or an expert on winning wedding shows, but you can't give all 10s for each category, you have to rank the dress, food, and venue: 1st, 2nd, and 3rd and scores are given accordingly.

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  7. What gets me is almost every time the most expensive wedding wins. If you just dropped 100k on a wedding why should be given a free honeymoon, clearly you can afford one on your own. TLC should give away free honeymoons to brides that are hard up, not rolling in dough.

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  8. i agree with anonymous. it does seem like the most expensive wedding tends to win. there was one episode where a chinese american bride had a full roasted pig at her table. of course, the other brides were completely disgusted and made fun of it, not thinking that it's a traditional thing in chinese culture.

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  9. Wow the photos came out amazing!!! Looks great!!! :)
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  10. Lol...nice creativity, really like the photos.

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  11. Awesome photograhics.The prize for winning this show is pretty awesome: a dream honeymoon to some exotic location, fully paid for, all-inclusive paradise... you get it. I like this show. Thank you for sharing.
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  12. I have appeared on this show...you can give a 10 to every bride overall if you want, but you still have to rank the brides 1st, 2nd and 3rd place for venue, dress and food...so you can't even things out. You have to rank SOMEONE last and SOMEONE first.

    Sorry but the way you want it to work isn't allowed by the rules.

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  13. hmmm. if there's an audience...go for it. although what i really wish is that there was a say yes to the dress for brides that are more artsy/vintage/down-to-earth. i'd watch!

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  15. what happens if your bride has a "poorly executed wedding"

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  16. You are all idiots. You cant give every bride 10 points because you must mark them first second and third. Do your research.

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  18. Um what do comments regarding pregnancy fashion have to do with this thread? I cannot stand people that post things about their biz on comments on any site, facebook, twitter, tlc, bravo.....market your crap somewhere else. This is a place to post comments about 4 Weddings. Go to facebook, create a page and use it...annoying.

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  19. In the blogger's defense of some of the comments about the rating vs. the first,second, third scale, I have seen episodes that do only rating a score for all categories. The shows do both, but I think it's the Canadian weddings that seem to do the rating for all of them.

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  20. Glad to read that at least ONE person in this world is targeting these bitchy brides (and let's face it, most of the women on these women are). So many women are snotty to one another these days--in most cases, most of them are, in so many walks of life. This show really showcases that. I'm almost 60 now, maybe I just feel that way. Anyway, these captions on the photos are hilarious and accurate. I'm watching the show now, and one of them just said, "I wanna be the supersupersuper bast! If it doesn't go my way I'm gonna be FURIOUS!" MEEEEEEOWWWWW.

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  22. Interesting post. At first I was offended since I will be on this show (start filming in two weeks), but after reading all the way through, I agree with you in the sense that there is no need to be a bitch or give other brides low scores. I plan to be me and enjoy attending these other girls' weddings, and pretend there is no honeymoon at stake! I will judge because I have to, but will not give a single person a poor score...ultimately they are getting married and that is beautiful...so no need to. My wedding will be filmed last so I'm lucky in that sense.

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