My Vegas Bachelorette Party Was PURE INSANITY.

And I've got the pictures to prove it, kids.

I had the BEST time eveeeeer. Truly. Seriously. Couldn't have asked for a more kickass kind of BEST TIME EVER.  Everyone partied their balls off for practically 48 hours straight.  It was truly a magnificent weekend, filled with boozing, blackjacking, humping random objects (and each other), wearing costumes, getting stares, and going ballsout/titsout crazy.  So let the re-caps begin!

First night, I was dressed in a pair of coyote-nasty white boots, metallic gold leggings and a neon green leotard OVER the leggings (complete with bachelorette sash):

Impromptu hallway fashion shoot.

My arm says, "Bowie Bride," my earrings say, "SEXY," and my ass spells PURE GOLD.

I opened this beer with my fucking boot heel. NO SHIT.

My other girls wore this matching get-up:

Titfield's boobs say, "Titty, Titty" and Lolly's ass says, "Bang Bang."  They were a team of epic coyote-nasty proportions.

I cannot not tell you how many shocked looks we got. But I just looked everyone dead in the eye, nodded with absurd confidence and said, "Yep. Check. This. OUT."  It was amazing. I was on fucking FIRE. And no one was gonna put me out.

I got up on stage at the piano bar on Saturday night and sang 2 songs: Bohemian Rhapsody and Don't Stop Believing (naturally):

NOTE: this was NOT a karaoke bar. I somehow convinced them to let me perform. I do not remember how that actually went down...

I practically molested the piano player:

He was super talented, and the ladies tell me that I just couldn't get enough of him... (LMFAO. That's so the nerd in me to choose a piano player over a stripper for my bachelorette party. Go ME!)

The piano player actually followed us out of the bar when we left. He was trying to get my sister's number!

An older gentlemen bought Titfield and I Patron shots:

This man wanted our snatch'iz. Us? Not so much. But the booze was much appreciated.

We left a penis shot glass in the piano player's 'tip' jar:

Just the tip.

Mike wore this helmet the entire weekend:

Mike was Born to Skate (and to drink like a tank).

He even wore it to the pool...

...and to dinner.

  I did the splits in the middle of the bar:

P.S.: I haven't done the splits in YEARS. Can you see the pain in my face?

...and slammed my knee so hard against the ground after doing the splits that I got a bruise that looked like this:

ouch.

 I got ICED at the Forum Shops in Caesar's Palace and had to chug a Smirnoff in front of Bernini:

I counter-ICED Dave, but I didn't make him drink both. We were in Vegas. I WANTED to get drunk. NOTE: Dave is not wearing any shoes.

We somehow managed to frighten the weirdos of Freemont Street:

We were the show, and EVERYONE was buying a ticket.

Steve made us T-shirts with these logos on them:

Best Bowie quote ever: "I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring."

Alexis wore a cop uniform, and Lolly was Lady Gaga:

Freemont Street slutz gettin real. She wrote the piano player a ticket for being too sexy. I gave it to him personally.

Titfield wore a men's tie that showcased a family of lions. She also wore a Hamburgler mask:

My sis and I were harajuku girls:

 And we were wildly inappropriate (at all times):

Nursing a bottle of Jack in the middle of a restaurant.

Requisite plastic penis shot.  In line to eat at the Brewery.

Outside Harrah's at 4 AM.

Oh, and I also managed to molest my groom:

And he was cool with it.

Wedding dance floor preview, y'all.

Can you believe that we all actually survived this thing?  

( 'cause I can't).

Bachelor/ette party! This weekend! Holy crap!

I barely have time to blog this, but I had to update you all.  Currently, work is insane. Nuts. Out of control. The good kind of nuts, but still stressful all the same.  I will quickly explain: 1) I got promoted. 2) One assistant moved on to a different TV show, and the other assistant is out of town for two weeks. 3) I am doing 3 people's jobs. Their jobs and my own. So I've had 13+ hour days going nonstop from one task to the next. Needless to say I am exhausted. But when I get exhausted from working hard... I don't want to sleep. I WANT TO PARTY.  And guess what? I'm in luck. Come tomorrow, I will be on a plane to Las Vegas for BachFest 2010 -- our joint bachelor/ette party. I cannot wait. I might explode with excitement. There is just too much to tell you guys about how crazy and awesome it is going to be, but I figure the pictures I bring back will speak for themselves.  Let's just say that we are wearing clothing that will make people stare in awe, confusion, and perhaps jealousy... and the first bar we are going to sells a drink called "Ass Juice." Cant.Fucking.Wait.

There's gonna be a whole lotta this:

A shit ton of this:

A buttload of this:

And an ungodly amount of this:

Balls out. Tits out. 

Britt: OUT.

Let's hope I survive this thing.

Don't Bring Anal Ring Toss to a Bridal Shower

I have told my wedding party that I am absolutely 100% against them throwing me a bridal shower... UNLESS they are taking me to the bar and showering me with booze.  That's a-okay, as long as I can shower them with booze in return. But the whole idea of a "me-filled ladies-fest" isn't something I'm interested in. At all. This is what I don't understand about bridal showers: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PURPOSE OF THEM?  I'm all for getting together with my gal pals for an afternoon of bellinis and pastry, don't get me wrong. But the whole "gift giving" aspect of it has me a tad confused.  When you go to a bridal shower, are you supposed to buy the bride something off her's and her partner's actual wedding registry?  Or is this the time we're "supposed to" give the bride trashy lingerie?

I have casually attended a couple of bridal showers in the past... And I'm pretty sure I just got them something off their registry... 'Cause we're not supposed to show up to these things empty-handed (I guess?) I don't know, man.  But does that then mean I need to buy them a whole separate gift for the actual wedding? Or does giving a gift at the shower count as the actual wedding gift?

Which brings me to my next question about bridal showers: What's up with the faux-bouquet every bride makes out of the ribbons and gift wrap? Is that the purpose of a bridal shower? To gather the appropriate materials for the bride's "rehearsal bouquet"? Because at the showers I have attended, the crafting of the rehearsal bouquet from all the gift wrappings was CRUCIAL. Like "what's the fucking point of the bridal shower if I don't get my rehearsal bouquet" crucial. But in order to make said bouquet, guests need to bring GIFTS wrapped in ribbons and flowers and dainty paper... which leads me to believe that YES, bringing a gift to a bridal shower is necessary. But the question still remains... WHAT KIND OF GIFT AM I SUPPOSED TO BRING?

(image source)

I was the Maid of Honor at my best friend's wedding, and I STILL don't know the purpose of bridal showers.  For her bridal shower, I had absolutely no clue, so thankfully one of the bridesmaids took the reigns, while I stuck to planning a party more my speed: The bachelorette party, (naturally). So when I showed up to her wedding shower, I came armed with 3 gifts... 'cause I had no freaking clue on what I supposed to buy/bring/whatever. And since I was the Maid of Honor for this whole shabang, I didn't want to look like the a-hole without the right giftload in tow. So this is what I ended up gifting the bride:

Gift #1: A wine decanter off her registry.

Gift #2: Lingerie

Gift #3: Anal Ring Toss

Yes. You read right. "Anal Ring Toss."  It's basically a plastic stick you place in your butt while people toss rings on it. It's like playing a game of horseshoes with your anus.  Anyway, I thought the bridal shower needed a lil bit of humor, so Anal Ring Toss it was. WELL... I also didn't quite account for the fact that the bride's mother, FMIL, and FSIL were there to witness her opening it up. They weren't *too* amused by Anal Ring Toss... even though it was a joke, and not meant to be taken seriously (well, publicly, at least. I'm sure behind closed doors Anal Ring Toss is to be taken very seriously). The bride loved it, and got a total kick out of it, 'cause she's down like that. But ultimately I got why the presence of Anal Ring Toss at a bridal shower could be a tad off-putting to some.  So. Here is what I have learned... and please correct me if I'm wrong... 'cause I honestly still don't know what the hell I'm talking about it.  From past experience, I have learned that the most appropriate gift to bring to a bridal shower is something off the registry, and/or a selection of tasteful lingerie. And if that is what a bridal shower is supposed to be, then let's get one thing straight: I DON'T WANT ONE.

What is your definition of a bridal shower? Are you having one? If so, why? (I'm totally dead-on-balls serious. No snarkiness at play here).

Jackass Costume Ideas For Our Vegas Bach Party

It has already been decided that we are dressing up like jackasses for our joint bachelor party in Las Vegas.  J-A-C-K-A-S-S-E-S.  I'm not even going to *consider* bringing bottle service-appropriate clubbing clothes (as if I would have any other time...?)

Here are a few themes my friends and I have already conquered. They get weirder as you scroll down... prepare yourselves...

"Pin-up Girl" theme:

"Girl Scout/Boy Scout" theme:

"Edward Forty Hands" theme:

"A Night on the town in Reno, NV" (Sponsored by Miller High Life, the Champagne of all beers) - I am literally wearing a thong leotard over my spandex pants here. The only time I *wish* I had a pic of my backside:

"Team America Ice Skating" theme:

"Bear-cat" theme:

I know. Some of these are pretty weird hard to top. But it WILL be done.  So I need costume suggestions for the whole group, and suggestions for just the girls, and just the boys. I imagine we'll do one night with a boys vs. girls-themed costume. Then the second night, we will have a unified theme.

Here are a few ideas we've been kicking around:

• German Beer Lads 'n Ladies (I already own one of these costumes)
• Hardasses. Think Hell's Angels Nugent-fest biker gear.
• Harlem Globetrotters
• 80s hair band (to fulfill my dreams of channeling my inner Dee Snider)
•  Twins.  Everybody matches up with an unlikely partner, and dresses the same. See photos to right ------>
• Coyote NASTY. Think Coyote Ugly, but actually ugly. The Coyote Ugly rejects of the rejects. I want to make a group of douchefratbags cringe at the site of me.
• Old timey Mormon Polygamists ala Big Love
• Lebowski/Bowling team theme (our favorite movie)
• Bald caps
•  Senior Citizens (hoping to cash in on the over 55 buffet deal here)
• Mimes, Magicians, and Monks. (not even going to explain this one. but at least we're giving options)
• 80s Businessmen/women - think massive shoulder pads, huge plastic frame glasses, double breasted suits, and asswipe attitudes
• The Big Dick Brigade. Think huge balled up socks stuffed in everyone's jock area*

The group shots are of actual dances I went to in High School. The theme for the "girl ask guy dance" was always "dress as twins." Needless to say we didn't take that theme lightly. We were one weird bunch, folks. In the top pic I'm holding my leg cast up ala Lion King, as if we were worshipping it. Oh, and my shirt said "Hot Stuff Coming Through." In the bottom pic, my friends Sarah and Boom wore matching skin tight PLEATHER pants. I think there's a lot of potential in this theme.... Although I am a tad partial to Hardasses, Coyote Nasty, and 80s hair band... What do you guys think?

*Ok. I'm kidding.

The Crack Pipes in DC: Tales from a Successful *Joint* Bachelor/'ette Party

Tales from a Successful *Joint* Bachelor/'ette Party
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 Wednesday, January 20, 2010 @ 10:55 am by Miss Crack Pipe

The general reaction to the idea of a "joint bach party" is not a desirable one. Many immediately frown upon it because it contradicts the bachelor party's traditional, intended purpose: to have one, last, crazy, fake-titty-filled, douche-fest.  But we here at the [High]ve could give a flip about following the rules. So the idea of a joint party is fully encouraged. In fact, I'm here to tell you that a joint bach party can be just as cracked-out and crazy as a gender segregated bachelor party.  And if you're like us and you want to throw a joint party that isn't focused on soft alternatives like mini golf and go carts, then this is the post for YOU!

Mr. Crack Pipe and I just came back from a successful joint bach party in DC.  It was insane.  Truly.  "Go Balls-Out, or Go Home," was the phrase I repeated in my head throughout the entire booze-filled weekend. I haven't drank that hard, partied that hard, or laughed that hard in a while, thus making all three hangovers each of us experienced totally worth it. 

The first thing to do to get the party started off right is to show up in a 1980's neon ski jacket. Like Mr. Crack Pipe did. On purpose. To look like a jackass. And to, of course, be the fashion envy of all around. AND to possibly pass for my mentally challenged brother should he get too out of control, or should the waitress threaten to call the cops because he drank out of another table's wine bottle (which *cough* did end up happening...) Let's just say that this jacket, errr, set the tone for the weekend's all-out jackass-ery...

The ultimate goal of the party was to focus the fun solely on drinking, so the Bride and Groom came up with a game for all to enjoy. Let's call it, "The Chinatown Challenge: A Scavenger Hunt. For Booze."

Now. This is your warning. ONLY play this game if you are willing to accept that the following consequences may or may not occur while playing this game*:

1. Extreme public drunkeness.
2. Dismissal from bar[s].
3. Being wasted before 8 PM.
4. Getting arrested. 
5. Taking a swig out of another table's wine bottle.
6. Indigestion.
7. Loss of pants.
8. Cutthroat team sabotage.
9. A 110 Proof Chartreuse Liquor-induced hangover.
10. Running into a brick wall.
11. Male on male public dry-humping.
12. Hives.
13. Loss of hearing.
14. Pissing off pedestrians.
15. Telling a waitress to "Move her titties."

Ok. Here's the game...if you dare to read on...

The bride and Groom split the group into 4 teams of 3, according to what "seed" you were ranked. For example, if you were a 1 Seed, you would be considered the BEST drinker of the bunch and would be placed with a team member of a lower seed. And so on and so forth.  I was right in the middle, a respectable 6 Seed.

Each team was handed a map of Chinatown and on that map were 5 bar locations. And at those 5 bar locations, your team was to order and consume the drink listed on the instructions. So, that meant we had to order three glasses of that drink, and our team had to consume the three drinks in any combination we wanted. So a 1 seed team member could potentially pick up the drinking slack for a lesser seed member. Sharing booze wasn't against the rules. But the hardest part about this scavenger hunt was that it was a race. Which meant drinking fast. And running fast after drinking fast. Not such a great combo, but dammit, I'm a competitor, and I did it. And I did it hard. And all in all, in the course of a measly 45 minutes, I had pounded--not sipped--POUNDED, a pint of beer, a sake bomb, a shot of tequila, and an Irish car bomb. And to make sure everyone didn't cheat, you had to prove it by uploading photos of your team on the Facebook Group Page the bride and groom created.

Aside from the fact that the game left all of us wasted out of our minds before 8PM on the streets of DC, it was a total BLAST.  And I think Mr. Crack Pipe and I are going to try a similar game for our joint party in Las Vegas.  But a scavenger hunt for booze is just *one* of the many possible activities for a joint party.  What are your ideas? How can you make a joint bach party be just as fun and crazy, if not more fun and crazy than a bach party where the focus is solely on the strip club or on a nude male review?

*I will neither confirm, nor deny that this list of occurences did or did not actually occur. But you can probably take a guess...

The Concept of a Bachelor/Bachelorette Party

I'm about to head to my first joint bachelor/bachelorette party in DC this weekend and am unsure on what to expect.  All I know is this: Our wild Arizona State friends and former roomies will be there and we'll be hardcore partying for three nights straight.  Yeah. Three nights. Two nights is pushing it, but three?! We represent the #1 party school in America according to Playboy magazine, but we're not in our early twenties anymore, man.  See that pic to our right? That's the groom-to-be and I in undergrad, challenging each other to a Guiness Chugging Contest.  I get ooogie just looking at it. I mean, the groom's face just says it all.  Guiness is some thick, shit, man. I don't know if we'll be able to roll like that this weekend, but hey, I'll give it the old 'college try.' Don't you worry about that. And in case you care who won the chugging contest, it was me.. I was a TANK.

But in all seriousness, when did the bachelor party go from being the night before the wedding to a three-day weekend boozefest you travel cross-country for?  The only reason I can come up with is this: BECAUSE WE CAN. Think about it. "Oh, what's that you say? You're gonna throw me a party where it's encouraged to act like a jackass in public and pound free drinks all night?" Yeah, like hell I'm going to say no to that. Same goes for why we ultimately end up blowing hundreds or thousands on a wedding gown - BECAUSE WE CAN. BECAUSE IT'S AN EXCUSE TO BUY A PRETTY DRESS. Weddings are one big excuse for treating yourself like a VIP.  I'm guilty of it. We all are at some point. Do I really NEED to stay in the hotel two nights before the wedding when I live right down the street? NO. I don't. But I say to myself, "Well, it's our wedding day, so wasting money on three nights of hotel stay when I could easily stay at my own apartment down the street is okay."

So for these same reasons, Mike and I decided that we are indeed going to have a bachelor/bachelorette party.  Because we can.  And not because it's necessary. But so many grooms and brides-to-be see it that way though. I don't get the necessity of a bachelor party in the traditional, "I need to have one last night of freedom with nude women grinding on my jock before I say 'I do'" kind of way. Mike and I don't even like strip clubs. My only experience at a strip club involved me purchasing my best friend a private lap dance from a pregnant stripper. Real glamorous, right? Mike describes strip clubs in one word: "Sad." He went for a friend's bachelor party in Vegas one year. A stripper walked over to him, started to dance, and he just looked at her and said this, flatly: "I have no money."  And with that, she left.  Aside from the whole expensive factor, and the whole 'sad' factor, strip clubs have one more glaring problem: they're cocktease warehouses. I mean, you wouldn't go to an Indiana Jones flick and leave before the climax, would you? Well, that last piece of shit Spielberg squeezed out of his ass doesn't count, but you get the point.  But seriously, who wants all the lead-up with no finale? Not this bitch. When mamacita gets fired up, she wants to take home the gold, not the bronze. ...aaaaand with that, folks, I just turned into a horny middle-aged, casino rat. But in all seriousness, man. The only load you should be blowing is the one in your pants. Not the wad of hard-earned in your wallet. So if we are going strictly on the definition of a traditional bach party, then I don't NEED one. Mike doesn't NEED one. Not at all. We're goooooood. Thx.

So, what kind of bach party are we interested in, if ogling plastic titties alongside frat asswipes and truck drivers is out of the question?  I think we both agree that we'd like our parties to be about drinking. And public displays of silliness. And letting loose with our best buds after months of stressful planning. And karaoke. Lots of karaoke.  Since we have a lot of the same close friends, and want to party with everyone regardless of gender, we are going to go the "joint" route. Thinkin' Vegas.  We can split up on Friday night, have it be Team Bride/Team Groom, then rock together the second night as one unified Team. I've seen a lot of couples do this. Seems to work out nicely. I understand I too am now putting unnecessary pressure on my friends to blow money on a two day party, but again that little phrase keeps popping up in my mind: BUT WE CAN 'CAUSE IT'S OUR WEDDING.  And we did it for their weddings. So payback's a bitch, son ;)

I'll be sure to report back about my DC bachelor/bachelorette party adventure. I'm actually very much looking forward to it. It's a rare opportunity in our circle of friends to all be together in the same city at once, so I'm MORE THAN HAPPY to blow my load on that ;)

What are you dudes doing for your bach party?